Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
