i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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