his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
