she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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