You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
