She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
