Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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