is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
