my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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