You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
