i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
