I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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