Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
