he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Success! We fucked roommates!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
