I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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