Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
