And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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