and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
