how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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