ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
