two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
