Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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