I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
