he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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