My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We were destined to go to rehab together
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
