Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
