Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
