You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
