You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
