absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
