I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
