I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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