i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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