Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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