Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
