i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just gift wrapped bread.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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