Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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