i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
