You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
