their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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