I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
