4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The Olympian is in my bed
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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