i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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