sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
