Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
