Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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