I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
