I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
