I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
