Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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