My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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