sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
