I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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