I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Please don't give away my fajitas
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
