mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
