Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
