Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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