For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
